anyone who knows me naturally knows that NO ONE i would ever be romantically linked to would come to my house drunk in the middle of the night and wake me up and break up with me citing reasons like " i think i have serious feelings for your neighbor" and " i hate everyone" and then never speak to me again. that would never happen to me. my life is just too fucking classy.
but lets just say for a nano second that it did happen...purely as an experiment. and lets just say that you were forced to relate the embarrassing incident to a piece meal international posse of your nearest and dearest as they all began to ask " how is so and so that you said you're falling in love with?"
going from these hypotheticals, this is a list of things that person might be called in a comedic attempt to make you feel better, whilst only succeeding in making you feel as if, according to your entourage, you had chosen the most subhumanly vile and repulsive partner on earth. and earth....well, earth was just waiting to let you in on the joke.
this list has no attributions, but parents, richmond locals and an awnry australian are amongst them.
loser
total loser
joke
total joke
idiot
crazy
fucking crazy
fucking idiot
fucking faggot
nutter
cunt
cunt rag
fetid smear of cuntsludge
pussy
twat
dick
prick
ass
asshole
bitch
son of a bitch
total peice of shit
cocksucker
dickless fuckwit
dickless toddler
wack job
wanker
fool
stupid
douche bag
brainless
spineless
thoughtless
gutless
useless
tasteless
jobless
penniless
talentless
scared little boy
pansy
sleazy
stoner
friendless stoner
friendless scenester
vegetarian with thinning hair
drunk
mean drunk
drug addled drunk
completely devoid of a future
chicken
chicken shit
cruel
mean
imbecile
sincerely confused
white trash mamma's boy
just some random dude
thanks guys. why not tell me what you really think! whilst copying and pasting those from concerned emails might feel momentarily good (if this was a real story, it might) i would actually contest that COMPLETELY BESMIRCHING the n'er do well loved one in question is not, in the long run, any cure for the broken hearted. infact i think it could hypotheically really make a person feel a hell of a lot worse! and besides it wasn't all bad.... i mean.... doesn't a jobless crazy white trash mamma's boy sound really good right about now! well... i know i'm in!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
as if you'd ever go down that hard for anything but a ne'er do well.
and it was "fetid smear of cuntsludge" not "fetid piece of cuntsludge". I feel smear really adds something. I was riffing on that bit in Full Metal Jacket when Gunnery Sergeant Hartman says "you look like the best part of you slid between your mama's buttcheeks and left a brown stain on the sheets". It was a kind of homage (which I am saying in my head ooohhhmage).
But cheer up, buttercup. I'm sure he is a fine, upstanding citizen. But there are bigger fish to fry - on to bigger and better things. That's what people keep on telling me this growing up thing is all about.
i forgot how funny you were! jeez i miss you. i'm gonna go with the understated "crazy" . yes, anyone who would leave you would truly have to be crazy
Knowing you are back on the market, every ne'er do well in Richmond must be putting a double polish on the pickup truck in hopes of being merely seen with the Virgin Queen, let alone the head-spinning possiblity of a kiss, or even...who knows?
I am now going to load up on Turtle Wax stock, knowing your brief misfortune will lead to my enduring profit. As to your fetid ex, he blows goats.
Roger
Post a Comment