whistling dixie

i guess that song was originally a strange antebellum composition sung by black minstrels about how great plantation life was. then it became a nostalgic civil war anthem for the anemic southern loosing streak. so to whistle dixie is synonymous with some sort of quixotic misremembering of the glorious good old days. more commonly phrased as you ain't just whistling dixie, as far as i can make out, in modern richmond speak this just means "for real".

in case you wanted to know. and admit it, you did.

today i am just posting some pictures of the things i own. i never owned much before.

Sic semper tyrannis

thus always to tyrants.

i am not entirely sure what that means, but it is the state motto of Virginia, which is in America, and where i am currently residing. since i am a joiner i thought i would spread the word about Virginia in an effort to feel closer to her.

Sometimes Virginia is called the mother of states and statesmen. The original charter was for a tract of land so large that it extended from south Carolina to Maine and out into the Atlantic to include Bermuda. 8 U.S. presidents were born here including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and six others that no one has ever heard of...except maybe Woodrow Wilson, and that is a big maybe.

our state insect is the tiger swallowtail. our state beverage is milk. our state fossil is the Chesapecten Jeffersonius whatever that is. and our state song WAS " take me back to old Virginny" until the song was retired in 1997 for reasons which apparently can't be disclosed on the Internet, but i will tell you that the last verse included these classic lines: when I'm dead and gone to rest, Lay de Banjo by my side, Let de Possom and Coon to de funeral come, For dey is my only pride.

Virginia was named for Elizabeth I of England - the 'virgin' queen (since she was able to adopt this title solely because she never married, i must qualify for the same, so if everyone would please make a note to start calling me the virgin queen, that would be great)

Above is a drawing of the colonial city of Jamestown. formerly unpublished, we now know from studying this document that Jamestown was colonized by a group of bratty British toddlers who still drew with their boogers.

At the time of the English colonization of Virginia, The native American tribes inhabiting the territory were the Cherokee, Chesapeake, Chickahominy, Mattaponi, Moobs, Nansemond, Nottaway, Pamunkey, Povic, Powhatan, Occoneeches, Rappahannock, Saponites and others. Naturally they are all dead now, but some of these names live on as street names in new housing developments in squalid suburbs, so that seems pretty fair.

Richmond is the capital, just as it was in the American Civil War when the southern states decided to take their toys and go play somewhere else on account of Abe Lincoln wasn't going to let them keep the nice people the brought over from Angola any longer just growing tobacco in exchange for boiled sow's ears and a good rogering from the master now and again...even if the master was Thomas Jefferson.

it's hot in the summer, cold in the winter, slow and polite and there are places that still grow peanuts and tobacco and if anyone. and i do mean ANYONE, wants to come and visit. why, you're most welcome.

hypothetically speaking

anyone who knows me naturally knows that NO ONE i would ever be romantically linked to would come to my house drunk in the middle of the night and wake me up and break up with me citing reasons like " i think i have serious feelings for your neighbor" and " i hate everyone" and then never speak to me again. that would never happen to me. my life is just too fucking classy.

but lets just say for a nano second that it did happen...purely as an experiment. and lets just say that you were forced to relate the embarrassing incident to a piece meal international posse of your nearest and dearest as they all began to ask " how is so and so that you said you're falling in love with?"

going from these hypotheticals, this is a list of things that person might be called in a comedic attempt to make you feel better, whilst only succeeding in making you feel as if, according to your entourage, you had chosen the most subhumanly vile and repulsive partner on earth. and earth....well, earth was just waiting to let you in on the joke.

this list has no attributions, but parents, richmond locals and an awnry australian are amongst them.


loser
total loser
joke
total joke
idiot
crazy
fucking crazy
fucking idiot
fucking faggot
nutter
cunt
cunt rag
fetid smear of cuntsludge
pussy
twat
dick
prick
ass
asshole
bitch
son of a bitch
total peice of shit
cocksucker
dickless fuckwit
dickless toddler
wack job
wanker
fool
stupid
douche bag
brainless
spineless
thoughtless
gutless
useless
tasteless
jobless
penniless
talentless
scared little boy
pansy
sleazy
stoner
friendless stoner
friendless scenester
vegetarian with thinning hair
drunk
mean drunk
drug addled drunk
completely devoid of a future
chicken
chicken shit
cruel
mean
imbecile
sincerely confused
white trash mamma's boy
just some random dude




thanks guys. why not tell me what you really think! whilst copying and pasting those from concerned emails might feel momentarily good (if this was a real story, it might) i would actually contest that COMPLETELY BESMIRCHING the n'er do well loved one in question is not, in the long run, any cure for the broken hearted. infact i think it could hypotheically really make a person feel a hell of a lot worse! and besides it wasn't all bad.... i mean.... doesn't a jobless crazy white trash mamma's boy sound really good right about now! well... i know i'm in!

you wouldn't believe me if i told you.

i preface the word "Richmond" with this sentence when ever any of my friends say " haven't heard from you in months, where are you?"

and i am right. they don't. belive me, that is.

if you told me a year ago today that i would be working in some dixie outpost full of college kids and bad tatoos and small town thinking, i would have laughed you out of my arrondisement.

but here i am and here goes nothing. literally.