The Fourth of July

there are a variety of occasions that one might, in theory, celebrate on the Fourth of July. Including, but not limited to-

• the 836 Pactum Sicardi between the Principality of Benvenuto and the Duchy of Naples





• the 1054 supernova observed by Chinese, Arabs, and possibly the Amer-indians alike, the remanents of which formed the Crab Nebula.





• the brief 1810 French occupation of Amsterdam





• the 1886 arrival of the first-ever scheduled transcontinental Canadian train in Port Moody





• The 1918 murder of Tsar Nicholas II at the hands of the Bolsheviks (but only if you use the Julian calender, so that is sort of cheating)





• The 1918 birth of Anne Landers, American advice columnist.





• The liturgical feast of St. Bertha, widow abbess of Blangy in Artois





• The 1980 death of Maurice Grevisse, the Belgian Grammarian

But if you are in Richmond, chances are you are celebrating American independence. The Continental Congress secretly declared independence from the British on July 2 1776 ( sissies), but the Declaration of Independence was not drafted until the 4th, because even with all those smart men in one room it still took two days to conjure the most high falutin language possible. The Declaration was sent to print and then read publicly and celebrated with bonfires on the 8th...go figure.

Today many people celebrate with fire works and parades. They also sing songs like " My Country 'Tis of Thee" and "America the Beautiful". Hundred of thousands converge on Washington DC and other major cities to enjoy the festivities and most people don't go to their crap jobs.

But Richmond is a true original, and if you are in Richmond you celebrate by going to a really really dirty family-owned water park and drinking a lot of Pabst Blue Ribbon ( voted America's Best Beer in 1893) and malt liquor. You wear some piece-meal, home-made swimming costume that probably involved a thrift shop, your old underpants, or taking the scissors to a pair of Dickies, you go off of a rope swing or a water slide, eat a vegetarian hamburger, stumble around, get a sunburn on your tattoo, pass out in the dirt and eventually cycle or drive home drunk at the end of the day.

it's patriotic and it's fun!