Under Where?

I work in some dangerous space between the corporate and non profit world, privy every day to the their interdependence. I've been giving it A LOT of thought, which is probably why i haven't written in my blog -or anywhere else for that matter - in a long long time. I was thinking of finally putting key stroke to screen about it, but someone asked me to write about lingerie and clothes, so I'm going to do that instead.


my cardinal rules about dressing yourself apply also to underthings, or as my Nannie Dietz used to call them once she mastered a modicum of English " foundation garments".

1. If you're uncomfortable you look terrible
2. Never wear synthetic materials; they are unflattering, environmentally unsound, highly flammable, and if you claim to be dry-cleaning them as much as you ought to, my guess is you're lying.
3. Avoid mitigated "muddied colors" that look like a bunch of cheap paint pots were mixed together...they were! This includes many tones of beige, maroon, or blue - especially when it comes to shoes. You don't want your clothes to look like the paint job on a Chevy Impala.
4. At the end of the day it's not the what but the how. Your posture, movement and gaze will always be the ultimate deciding factor in whether you can carry off anything, clothes and capers included.

Here are some additional points that are pan-applicable, but of particular note when it comes to lingerie.

1. Everything must fit well. anything you wear should look as if it was made for you. cut and size are equally important. Want to know if something fits you well? - check how many times you touch or adjust it the next time you wear it. If you have to touch your clothes, they don't fit.

2. It is incredibly rare to ever look good while showing your underthings. bra straps, thongs, panty lines, anything! Err on the side of caution when dressing, since you are far more likely to reveal a peek when you are in motion. Just because everything looks in place in the full length mirror with you stomach sucked in standing on your tippy toes, does not mean it will stay this way when you are running for the subway or hunting for the earring you dropped. When in doubt, wear a strapless bra.

3. Invest in quality and take good care of it. Quality makes a huge difference in the fit and longevity of any lingerie. Get nice things and hand wash them with delicate, allergen-free detergent. This doesn't take as much time as you think. Avoid anything sold in a lot. If it says "5 pack" or "buy three and get a fourth for free" you don't want it.

Since i think that the manufactured idea of "sexy" in only loosely based on human instinct, here are some things that I would avoid all together, regardless of popular opinion:

NOT sexy when it comes to lingerie:

Padded bras
Anything remotely athletic (when not participating in athletics)
Waist bands on knickers
Cheap lacy bits and bobs, including, but not limited to, feathers
Merry widows and corsets, especially if you're pudgy
Fishnet stockings
Bras or knickers with multiple straps
Anything holiday themed (think hearts or reindeer)
Most patterns
Anything that you can neither sleep in nor wear under your clothes (think floor-length sheer robe, most teddies, body suits etc)
Anything with words on in (think "you can't touch this" boyshorts)
cheap cotton that pills (think sad old cotton underpants)
pajamas (yes, even with stripes)
control-top anything
Pretty much anything red, unless you're in a Warrant video

Now here are things that definitely are sexy, this list is interchangeable with a must-have list for lingerie.

Sheer, unlined, unpadded, demi-cup bras, especially nude and black.
Sheer on sheer patterning
navy and white stripes
well cut low-rise thongs and boy shorts that are comfortable and on pain of death, don't cut into your hips.
eyelet lace anything,especially white and pale yellow
a nice set of garter belts both sexy and functional
silk camisoles and full-dress slips
silk shorts (for sleeping or keeping you cool under a skirt of dress)
cotton nighties (think thin straps, feminine print, eyelet lace, and short)
silk nightgown (undecorated, knee-length)
fishnet knee-highs
string-bikini style cotton knickers (these tie on the sides with a silk ribbon)
heather grey for any athletic - style necessities.
good un-lined strapless bra in both nude and black (consider this a serious investment)


As for the recurring question of mixing and matching, this is where i stand. While matching sets are nice, the most important thing is that the cut and shape are flattering for any given outfit. Soemtimes this means breaking up the set for the best outward results. go for it! if you tend towards similar colors and matierials, there's always something to match more or less.

I know it's difficult to navigate - we all have that "lovely" bra in our closet with the heavy emboidered overlay that we never wear because it makes everything look lumpy. But as with any fashion, think quality and timeless good taste over most trends. Also i would implore you to go home and toss out immediately anything stretched, worn, stained, or with the underwire poking out. you'll never wear it again anyway.

blame it on your lying-cheating-cold-dead-two-timing-double-dealing-mean-mistreating-heart

For the Record

I was just accused of cheating, perhaps not for the first time, but certainly for the first time in a long time. Now, however the stakes are pretty high, how high you ask? True love high ...so i reckoned i better find out exactly what cheating was to mount a proper defense capable of swaying the hardened heart of a mistrustful and stubborn man.

I thought i would start with wikipedia. For your information Wikipedia lists definitions for several kinds of cheating: education, sport, gambling, personal relationships, video games and ecological relationships...in that order. Their conclusion on personal relationships: Many people consider cheating to be any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, which may or may not include sexual monogamy. Since i am completely incapable of abstract thought this means very little to me.

What i could get behind was the definition of ecological cheating : Between organisms of different species, cheating often refers an individual of a species not upholding its end of a cooperative bargain. For example, nectar robbers are birds and insects that are often related to or mimic pollinating species; however, nectar robbers take nectar from a flower without actually engaging in pollination. - Now that's fucked up... although it does seem to metaphorically resemble protected sex.

(I digress is a disturbingly neo con Christian direction)

Our friend the Bumble bee - a nectar robber!

I once had an anthropology professor convincingly argue that the the biological injustice at the root of the oppression of women was that since the dawn of man, women know who their offspring are and men must go on faith. Since the bottom line human imperative is to perpetuate your genes, the primordial fear that a man could be feeding and protecting a child not his own is one theory as to why men have more or less always had the instinct to keep their women under lock and key.

German Chastity Belt

So what happens if you cheat?

The stories of Tristan and Isolde and Camelot and heaps of others all attest to the downfall that "cheating" can incur when women cuckold their husbands. Essentially entire peaceful kingdoms crumble. Then there were the many mortal women coveted by Zeus who had to pay the Greek-style price for cheating: bestiality! Since the philandering god took the shape of bulls, swans, even money to avoid the prying and omniscient eyes of Hera. Moral: even the innocent suffer. We are taught that cheating - of any

kind- rapidly eats at the tenuous moral fiber of human relations, and our most fragile periscope to the public: trust.

There is also the question of revenge. Once suspicions are confirmed, or even validated by a third party, or even validated by four cocktails, there is no telling what insane lengths people will go to when they feel they have been betrayed. No email account, bank account, piece of personal property, dark secret, favorite pet, gun cabinet, friendship, job or public image is totally safe. Although I suppose once in awhile some wanky moral high-grounder will abstain, i wouldn't count on it.

So Why Cheat?

Wiki says that cheating is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one's own interest and often at the expense of others. But I think that romantically people are motivated to cheat out of fear and general malaise with themselves. When i asked a man who cheated on me why he did it, he spoke the only truth that i ever knew to issue from his stinking maw: " You can never be new to me again, you will never again satisfy my need to feel i have conquered a woman, the feeling of ultimate power when she acquiesces and says yes". But that was Europe, so why do people cheat in Richmond? They're drunk! Still i am sure the same forces are at work; power, desirability, fear of the hold a partner has on you, boredom, general misery, yada yada. I have to say for the record, though, it's never really worth it. It doesn't fix what's broken and there will be a inevitable and gruesome slippage between how important it was to you (probably not very) and how earth-shattering it will be to the betrayed party (they will never get over it, forgive you, or trust again).

My Own Cheating

My own cheating! are you fucking kidding me! I'm in love in a small town, it's impossible! I just got accused of having an affair with a person in Florida, where I haven't been since I as 6, when my infirm aunt and her ex-husband took me to Disney World and fought the entire time, buying me an incredibly life-like green parrot to assuage their guilt . I'm accused of cheating with a person I met once! a person I wouldn't recognize on the street if I passed him! Did I mention the person in question is in Florida! Further investigation revealed that the accused is " 19, jobless, and has an aversion to baths" in the words of on expert. This is the most preposterous notion, you're out of your god- dammed mind and you better believe team Carmen San Diego is getting to the bottom of this fishy rumour, even if we have to go all the way to the sunshine state and crack some skulls.